May 30th
Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th
Dry f***ing heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,100 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th
115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this f***ing state.

Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his f***ing throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted f***ing Garfield!!

Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It's been too hot to f*** for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the f***ing pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the f***ing windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The f***ing monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield.

That does it, we're moving to New York for some peace and quiet.

Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page