And:

Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

All found in _The Language Instinct_, by Steven Pinker.

From: Murph Sewall 9-DEC-1990 12:48:33.47
Date: Sun, 9 Dec 90 11:10:55 EST

More actual newspaper headlines:

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures --Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA) 1/17/77

Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen --The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79

War Dims Hopes for Peace --Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65

Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy --San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??

Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape --Lawrence (KA) Journal-World 7/12/77

Food is Basic to Student Diet --Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78

For those of you who don't read a quality paper the following extract from the weekend Guardian might be of interest:

Airline competition intensifies. Eastern Airlines is offering a 50% discount on dead bodies. Directors of Funeral parlours can now claim frequent flyer bonus miles on every casket they ship.

We take ghoul care of you!

Reason magazine reports that a survey of hotel bills from last year's convention of religious broadcasters revealed that 80 percent watched an X-rated movie on their hotel room's closed-circuit channel.

Lack Of Water Hurts Ice Fishing
Yellow Snow Tested For Nutrition
Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants
Man Accused Of Excessively Passing Wind
Cookies With Condoms Fail Family Taste-Test
Condom Firm Streches Product Line
White Flower Two Day Sale-(Friday ONLY)
Toxic Waste Tour Planned
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
House passes gas tax onto senate
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find --The Los Angeles Times

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear --Journal of Commerce

Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person --The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York

Lack of brains hinders research --The Columbus Dispatch

How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart --Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera

'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories --Huntington Herald-Dispatch

Fish lurk in streams --Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle

Alcohol ads promote drinking --The Hartford Courant

Malls try to attract shoppers --The Baltimore Sun

Official: Only rain will cure drought --The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link --Cornell Daily Sun

Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut --The New York Times

Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us --Holland Sentinel

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men --The Sunday Oregonian

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty --Newsday

Man shoots neighbor with machete --The Miami Herald

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes --The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows --The New York Times

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies --The Los Angeles Times

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future --The Oregonian

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning --The Buffalo News

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold --Lexington Herald-Leader

Economist uses theory to explain economy --Collinsville Herald-Journal

Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity --The Chicago Tribune

Bible church's focus is the Bible --Saint Augustine Record, Florida

Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons --Cedar Rapids Gazette

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