by Alan Meiss
I feel I must write to take exception to the disparaging tone evident in your coverage of the Sea Lamprey. Contrary to popular belief, Sea Lampreys are gentle and loving creatures, not the bloodthirsty "parasites" you make them out to be. I have 19 Lampreys I've raised from infancy, and they have enriched my life with their playful antics. As I write this, I am sitting in the tank of my seventh Lamprey, Bernice, who is attached to my shin. It is simply human ignorance which breeds fear of these creatures, for the anti-coagulent they secret makes their feeding painless, turning it into a loving communion between human and sea creature. I simply take ordinary precautions, such as not allowing them to attach to my eyeballs. Please, practice responsible journalism and dispel these cruel myths about an essential member of God's diverse creation.
Sincerely,
M.P.
Please, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, print this letter!
Thank you,
J.H.
I must point out a glaring error made in last Tuesday's obituary page. I am not, in fact, dead, as you reported. Nor is my name even Clarence Fenbrook, as you stated, it is Roger Wembly, and I am a spritely 52 years of age rather than the figure of 74 you printed. I am also neither a Shriner nor an enthusiast of Naval History as your piece reported. In fact, absolutely nothing at all in your article was correct! I believe you have a responsibility to the community to get your facts straight, and I hope you will do so in the future.
Undeceasingly yours,
Roger Wembly
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers, we decided
(*RIP* crumple, crumple)
I must bring to your urgent attention a matter of the greatest importance. It has been brought to my attention by my friends residing on other worlds that our own Earth is in great jeopardy. Our continued persecution of the wise Cetaceans and gentle Yeti has required the Solar Nations of the Pleides Federation to direct towards our world a Great Energy Field of Spiritual Negation. All conscious beings of our world must take action immediately to ward off the danger. We must center our Energy Chakras with a combination of ginseng tea and amber light therapy, place a rose quartz crystal quite firmly in each nostril, and retain all bodily wastes in carefully indexed pyramidal containers. Please, take heed, and alert your readers.
Yours in the 7th Atlantean Astral Plane of Aquarius,
J.W.
My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my car was reposessed and the bill collect
(*RIP* crumple crumple *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*)
It is with the greatest outrage that I write to you over the continued victimization of my People, the Noble Podunkese- Americans. You daily assault our dignity with your lack of ProPer coverage of Podunkese-American achievements. I have yet to see any mention of the True Facts of our discovery of the telePhone, mathematics, and ancient voyages to Vens. I demand that this bigotry and marginalization of the Podunkese cease immediately, and that henceforth you accord us our ProPer dignity by caPitalizing at all times the letter P in recognition of our true sPiritual stature.
Teacher of Truth,
RalPh Podunkus
Yes, that's right, I simply called you Ed, rather than Editor. How did it feel? Did you not feel belittled? Small? Well, that is how I felt the preceding Wednesday, when, in your coverage of my (false) arrest for mopery, you simply abbreviated my name as "L. G. Smith." This terse monicker insults the dignity of my true Christian name and the honor of my sainted parents who bestowed it upon me. It is indeed a sad day when your reckless haste to grab a "scoop" outweighs the respect you owe to those you cover.
Sincerely,
Lord Grand High Poobah Chancellor Of The Exchequer Phineas Edwardo Ponce De
Leon Brouhaha Naughty Bits Pinchwiggle Smith III
Back to Tina'a Humor Archives main page