COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its
head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc.
After several such maneuvres, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly
collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one
hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects
though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover
spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is
probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after
an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs
throughout its lifetime.
SNUDGING
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available
part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the
lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This
condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging".
Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack
can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most
attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms.
You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently,
usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program,
book or telephone call.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available
free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human
occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this
on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious
- any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict
the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself
not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably
pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized
and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while
hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have
been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted
by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept
her company during this time).
NON-SPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION
(also NON-SPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)
Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going
cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms
range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe
(entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers,
cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing
the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider etc) and combing wbs out of
fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise
regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract
fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
FUFFLING
Symptoms: The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales.
This is followed by whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking
and a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger
attacks of fuffling in some cats. It may also be linked to interesting
items seen in the water e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, greeblingz. Fuffling
is most common during kittenhood although even quite elderly may suffer
an occasional bout.
Treatment: None. Snorkelling apparatus or scuba
suits are possibilities, but cats do not readily accept such treatment.
Kittenhood fuffling generally subsides as the cat grows older, possibly
due to some acquired immunity (or greater common sense).
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably
on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalising,
getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again,
attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop
whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to
the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing
to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of
Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome
is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they
occur.
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds
to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms
such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The
condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap
simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals
is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome)
is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats,
such treatment actually aggravates the condition. This disorder manifests
itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term
cure.
SMURGLING
Symptoms: Varied:- sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin,
drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high
volume purring.
Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible
to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be
transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, mis-shapen clothing
and chapped skin.
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running
through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed
to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO
sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings.
Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions.
There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if
a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very
few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective
as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid
getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks
usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own
dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes,
but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see
them.
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