Twisted Greeting Cards

by Alan Meiss

I must express my gratitude
   for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
   only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
   if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
   when you again shoplift.

We're sorry you now mourn the loss
   of your beloved cat.
For if we had only braked in time,
   it wouldn't be so flat.

It's Christmas time, and once again,
   the family's gathered 'round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
   to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
   whom we can only send this mail.
But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
   till you get out of jail.

The frost is on the meadow,
   the dew upon the grass.
Here's your stinking birthday card,
   now shove it up your *ahem*.

I've tender thoughts and memories
   of the special time we shared.
I'd never been so close to you,
   for it was more than souls we bared.
But I've since come to have regrets
   and wonder if we erred,
For now the sores have failed to heal,
   and I'm getting really scared.

This Christmas time I give to you
   a book that isn't mine.
So give it back before it's due
   or I'll have to pay a fine.

Golden fields of daffodils,
   sparkling mountain streams,
Crisp clean air and cotton clouds,
   vistas from our dreams.
But all throughout our lovely trip,
   to thoughts of you we've clung,
Because you'll never see these things
   in your iron lung.

I think upon a special time,
   one that I shall miss.
A moonlit walk upon the shore,
   a hug and then a kiss.
And though I'd like to write some more,
   I really have to piss.

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