The following appeared recently in the Pet Market section of the Anderson SC Independent Mail classifieds:

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

The Macon County Humane Society offers a free spay/neutering to senior citizens if they adopt an animal out of the animal shelter.

Remember, you get what you pay for. And at Hub Furniture Store, you pay less.

Why not have the kids shot for Easter, or have a family portrait taken? What have you got to lose?

FOR SALE: Instant coffee table

MUST SELL: 3 grave spaces in Laureland, very reasonable. Plus air conditioner.

PART-TIME HELP WANTED. Must have creative skills, drivers license and car with outgoing personality

SECRETARIAL/CLERICAL -- Excellent word processing & typing skills. Conscious, creative and detail oriented

FOR SALE: Braille dictionary. Must see to appreciate! call Jerry

(On the menu of a Chinese restaurant:) We serve dead shrimp on warm vegetables with a smile

Channel 16 temporarily off the air due to technical improvements

Artie's Restaurant and Yogurt Parlor: "An Alternative to Good Eating."

CLASSIFIED: An unexpected vacancy for a knife-thrower's assistant. Rehearsals start immediately.

(From a request for a magazine subscription renewal:) Dear recently-expired subscriber...

10 FREE French Fry Certificates for only $1.00

There was recently an ad insert in my newspaper from a local cemetary. They were advertising their special deal of, "Traditional ground burial before need."

--Alana

[Editor's Note: I'll take two.]

Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page